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two O one O

4 January, 2010

i usually get all pensive around this time of year, thinking back on the year before and resolving to do a list of things better. but this time i’ve decided it’s not about a set of rules you make for  yourself, it’s about giving yourself the space to dream.

to dream is not to set up expectations, it’s about going into something with expectancy; that raw feeling of taking the plunge with something new and not knowing what’s going to happen. 

i go into this year at the beginning of a new relationship that is so full of honesty and affection and love that it took me a while to accept it was all really happening.

i’ve also 99% decided to take a year off from my college course. with the extra time on my hands, i want to get back to the core of what drives me creatively, find that passion again that would see me scribbling/photoshopping away late into the night. i want to be able to let my mind wander into great and terrible places, where my imagination once again has no limits and i can see more clearly in my head without all the expectations and deadlines and comparisons to other people getting in the way. basically, i want to become more childlike in this aspect.

and by becoming more immature in that part of me, i want to become more mature in others. i want to learn again; proper scholarly learning where you take notes and put your theory into practice. i want to do something beneficial to society, travel somewhere and use my skills to make a difference. i want to do all those things i’ve been putting off since i left school because there was always something of a higher priority in the way. i want to work in a job that teaches me new skills and ways of relating to all different kinds of people.

most of all, i want to build every single relationship that i have. if i were to plot a graph of my relationships this year, as horribly impersonal as that sounds, most of them would have shown a declining trend. i can blame sweden or financial troubles or feelings of not quite meeting the standards i had others set for me in my mind, but in the end it mirrors the most important relationship in my life, and that’s my relationship with God. 

so God, help me out here. i want to be everything that you created me to be this year, and to make real progress in ‘being’ with you.

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